Life · Noisy Brain

With Love

Today I scrolled through my phone deleting unwanted photos to make room for new ones. I happened upon a series of screen captured text messages received from you. I scroll pass, refusing to delete them because they served as a continuous reminder of why I left home four months after receiving those messages and why I can never go back. Those text messages contained proof of your addiction and how you used me as an outlet for your anger.

From the outside you seem to have your life together. An immigrant from Jamaica and a single parent to two with shared custody for the third child, you managed to accomplish a lot. Your life may not be perfect, but it’s been good.

To outsiders you’re sweet and extremely kind, and you are. However, a different person shows itself when you drink. A small amount of alcohol brings out a loud, happy, and obnoxious individual. A large amount brings out an extremely sensitive instigator; A recipe for disaster.

I’ve watched you and her argue and say things that you could never come back from. I’ve seen you both, identical twins, go months without talking to each other because of painful words flung carelessly while drunk. I’ve smelt the strong odor of alcohol coming from your pores on your way out the door for work. I’ve woken up to a panicked voice calling my name, only to find that she had fallen asleep in a tub full of water with the gas turned on after a night of drinking with you. I’ve had to hold my tongue as you threw hurtful words at me, listing all the things you’ve done for me and demanding worship. I’ve spent countless nights crying because those words always managed to chip at another small piece of my pride, of my confidence, of ME.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m over exaggerating. After all, you are a functioning alcoholic. It’s hard to claim alcoholism when the person is “functioning”. But the hurtful things you’ve said in the past are proof of a bigger problem.

In any case, I’ve given up trying to convince you otherwise. I’ve found that you can’t change a person’s mind until they’re ready to change it themselves. Instead, I’ll focus on letting go. I’m ready to let go of the fact that I spent the day after my college graduation crying in my room. I’m ready to let go of the fact that, instead of calling to apologize, you called to tell me how much of a bitch I was. I’m ready to let go of the fact that I didn’t have something as simple as a graduation dinner with my family. I’m ready to let go of the fact that I no longer felt emotionally safe in my sanctuary. I’m ready to let go of the fact that that all happened because alcohol won again. I’m ready to let go of the words, the anger, the shame, the pain, the resentment.

But I’ll never let go of you. Good luck on your journey, I’ll be here waiting…always.

As much as I’d love to claim this beautiful picture as my own. They can be found on StockSnap.io, where they have a wide range of free stock photos available for your use.

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